1. Punters. Ninety-nine percent 'as sound as a pound.' It's the others that either cause you trouble or give you a laugh and are the ones you most often remember and; they all came in at one time or another.
2. The middle aged couple who got divorced so that they could have two flats and two lots of single persons allowances from the state, as both being 'sick' and unemployed it 'paid' far more than living together as a couple. He lived in one flat and wrapped his leg, in a wet towel, and beat it every time he was due to go-forward for the medical check up, to ensure his sickness claim for benefit, was genuine. She lived with him, was a registered manic depressive, and used a short stick to maintain the curve of the spine and drew her full, single persons, sick allowances and flat rent, while letting the flat out for more rent, paid to her as 'cash and thank you very much,' from yet another dead eye who had reasons not to want to be known to the state.
3. Nice lad, a drifter, and one who, one day, brought in a sawn off shotgun to loan to someone else and who, when I told him to take it out before I reported him, had apparently done something and so he and his mate, needed to move on quickly. He brought some stuff in and asked me to store it for him and I agreed after he had disclosed and shown me the contents of the bag that held nothing more than personal effects, although probably knocked off in the first place. Anyhow off they went and we heard nothing of them until it was reported, in the press, they had been arrested and charged with some previous offence and the only reason they had got caught was because they had broken into a caravan, on a closed, for the winter, Caravan Park and someone else, doing similar, had set fire to theirs and our two had rescued them and got their pictures in the papers for doing so.
4. Directly opposite to where we were, there was a Hot Food Takeaway joint and although there was always noise and trouble around there, late at night, the guy who owned it was a hell of a nice guy and would come in and drink and or send across for drinks during the evenings. It somehow developed that when the chip shop lads went out and he had closed, they would lift his two very large, very heavy, wooden benches, with seats attached to them and carry them a few hundred yards or so and place them, on the grass, in the middle of a traffic roundabout. The joke being that he would complain to us about it and say he was fed up with the police ringing him, at home, and asking him to arrange to move them. A job that necessitated the rounding up of several of his mates to help him. Anyhow one night it was decided that the joke was warring a bit thin and that it should be stopped. The following night he came in to complain very bitterly that this time 'they' had not put his benches on the island and that he had looked everywhere and could not locate them. Our lads knew nothing of it and to this day those tables have never been seen again.
5. Some needed drink so much they would spend anything and everything they could lay their hands on and which could be turned into 'beer money.' They would ask me to cash Giro Cheques, often after crudely trying to alter and upgrade the value or changing the date or the name, if it had been stolen, or it had been passed on by someone else. It being fairly standard practice that the first to break into the mailboxes, in the buildings of 'multiple occupancy,' got the lions share of the State Benefit Giro Cheques. There would also be Winter Fuel Allowances, Child Allowance, Milk Tokens, Rent Cheques, Xmas Bonuses, Back Pay and then there would be Betting Shop Winnings, the proceeds from shop lifting, or the sale of stolen goods and had I exchanged any or all of these, for booze, I could have applied my own rates as regards to exchange and the sky would have been the limit. The only thing that deterred me was the very high risk factor, as they had no loyalty and could not keep their mouths shut when they themselves got caught.
6. Then the saddest of all, the wealthy 'Piss Heads' who received regular cheques and allowances to encourage them to stay away from the family home or business. Some were so bad they had difficulty in working through the correct channels to cash cheques and what have you, and every month, when they were due another one, a crowd of hangers on, who had materialised from nowhere, would all beg you to cash the cheque for them. They could also be a pain in the arse when, despite being continuously stoned out of their minds, they still believed they were a cut above the rest and that you and your staff were skivvies and all at their beck and call. My staff used to rob them blind when they were at their worst with the verbal abuse, and I turned a 'blind eye' to it, and took and drank the drinks they didn't know they had bought me. One was a woman, divorced from a well-known sports personality and she was paid by the family business to keep out of the way and she kept about half a dozen hangers on permanently tanked up. Another 'Little Lord Fontalroy,' with all his airs and graces, toured round with his very sad, beautifully spoken and pathetic mother, following a few paces behind, to ensure that at the end of the day he got back home without being robbed or falling down and sleeping in a gutter until arrested. He had hundreds of convictions for 'drunk and incapable' and I felt so sorry for his poor mother who could do nothing. If, for any reason, we refused to serve him, perhaps because of the state he was in, we would receive verbal threats of solicitors and law suits, that never materialised, while she stood looking very sad, but apart from that showing no emotion what so ever. No one deserves the pain he must have inflicted on her and what price a mothers love. Another, affected, character that drank neat whisky until he fell down and burst into tears, would, before that, do his utmost to provoke arguments but then if pulled up for it, would apologise and leave only to return later and start the whole process over again.
7. One character who having, as usual, spent all his Rent Allowance and everything else he had on booze, was sleeping rough, in a green house, on an allotment, and came in, one lunch time, so cold that a barmaid, concerned for his well-being, gave him a cup of coffee and then herself, just living round the corner, nipped home to get him a blanket. She was a little cross when he tried to sell the coffee for twenty pence but was even crosser when after dodging out, unnoticed, he returned, having sold the blanket, with some beer money.
8. One young punter smashed a glass and cut his wrists. There was blood going all over my bar and people were then not happy when I wrapped him in towels and sat him outside, on the pavement, to await the ambulance. What they didn't know and what he had told me, was that he had done it and wanted to die because his sister, and you have got that, his sister, with whom he had been living and who had had a child by him, had turned him out of their flat because she wanted her new boyfriend, to whom she was currently pregnant, although he claimed it was his, to move in. Talk about keeping it all in the family!
9. Rose, sad Rose. A very colourful character that attracted a lot of attention and a lady who, out of respect, I will say no more, other than to acknowledge the mayhem she caused. May she eventually find peace!
10. Whenever one of them got out of line and it was time for them to go, they all seemed to have one thing in common. 'What have I done? Just tell me, what have I done? You can't throw me out; this is my local. So just tell me, what have I done? If you can tell me then I will go. But you can't because I have done nothing wrong, so you tell me what I have done?' and you could tell them until you were blue in the face and they would still not listen and would carry on repeating themselves and stand their ground. They never did any wrong, it was always you and that silly f*****g, cow-bag of a wife of yours, who had got it all wrong, so tell me, 'what have I done?' and all that would be after they had tried to pull the pumps off the bar or thrown ashtrays and glasses, and all because you had dared to say that they had had enough to drink and suggested that without money there was no more beer and yet you still couldn't tell them what they had done wrong. 'Me, what have I done wrong? I have no money only because you have taken it all off me and now when I have none, you don't want to know me, you thieving bastards. Get me a taxi.'
Note, all drunks and most other low life travel in Taxis, even if it is only to the pub round the corner. Then if you refuse to get them one and tell them to walk, as you know that if a taxi does come it will refuse to take them and then you end up battling with the taxi firms. So while they try and smash up the payphone because it won't work without money, you try and persuade them to walk.
11. We mentioned taxis. They could be a real pain as morons ran most of them. You would have no idea who had sent for them and then left the pub because the taxi was late arriving, during busy times, or the punter was too drunk, when they did arrive, for the driver to want to take them and when all this happened all the drivers wanted to do was blame us. They would claim that it was all our fault and over the years nearly every taxi firm or private hire firm, at one time or another, would 'blacklist' us, and do so in such a way that for a while no firm would come because of distorted information and untruths passed between them. One even tried to claim we owed him twenty-five pounds for being off the road, after a punter, that he alleged had been picked up from our establishment with no money, had been sick in his cab. Or they would often claim we owed them fares when their punters had done a runner, at the other end, without paying. Hypocritical bastards who all came creeping back at the end of the summer season when it began to go quiet. They are the same nice people who take strangers and visitors the long way round to increase the fare and always manage to just slip into the next charge band rate and we would get to hear all about it later as visitors became familiar with the town layout and their surroundings and realised what had happened. These are the same people who levy astronomical charges, over the Christmas and New Year periods, as a token of their good will. At one time, anyone who wanted a job, but didn't qualify for anything, worked for one of the private hire taxi firms and it would often appear that there were more taxis for hire than there were punters and so not one of them made a decent living. Jump in a Scarborough taxi, be a bit vacant about where you want to go and state that you are from out of town and you might find yourself on a tour of the whole town, especially if it is a bit quiet and you are their first fare for quite some time. You could watch the battling, at anytime, when one tried to queue jump outside the Railway Station.
12. One woman, on one occasion, thought it perfectly acceptable that, having fallen out with her partner, she was quite entitled to throw all her shopping, which included several large and heavy tins, at him. I was not too bothered about him, it was the damage done by those that missed, which concerned me.
13. I was not too bothered either, who was related to whom, but I drew the line at fighting, when someone came in with someone else and someone who was not too pleased about it, swung the other woman round by the hair or smacked the bloke in the mouth and such like.
14. We had a couple, both very smart and well turned out and very good spenders and one day he came in, alone, looking very shaken. I asked after his wife to be informed that she was in York and under arrest. A bad mistake as, to all intents and purposes, they were very successful thieves and shoplifters and she should not have got caught. Later she would go to prison and apparently not for the first time, for stealing thousands of pounds worth of clothing and jewellery. They fascinated me and although I knew it was wrong, I just could not help listening to and encouraging them to talk, as they would often do, though perhaps guarded, while relaxing and under the influence. Firstly they would set themselves up so that no one would suspect them of being anything other than affluent potential customers when they went into a high-class jewellers, in York, Hull or Leeds. York being a particular favourite because of the mix of affluent foreign visitors found there. They were always well groomed and both well spoken and she came from a very good background so had the poise, manner and cultured voice to mix with them all and to carry it off. They would plan it well advance and visit many establishments, perhaps over a period of weeks, until they had the layout and the methods of working of staff and management all well sussed out, then they would pounce. How exactly they did it, I don't know. But apparently from what I did gather, they would walk about in the chosen shop, moving off in different directions, when it was fairly busy and they were not alone, and where he would knock something over, or spill something, while she would slip an item into a glove and then ask for the toilet where the glove would be deposited into, an earlier noted, waste bin or what have you. Then if no alarms were raised they would return sometime later and ask if she may look in the toilet, as she had misplaced her gloves. If accompanied by shop staff, a cursory glance round the toilet would find nothing but a further genuine purchase, of some small trinket, and another visit to the loo would probably get the desired results. If not then the whole exercise may well have been abandoned and another pair of gloves purchased and another shop, in another area, on another day, targeted. Another apparent technique was to drop gloves into someone else's shopping bag and then follow them out and ask if they had picked them up by mistake, and then retrieve them and what ever was hidden inside. A lining in the sleeve of a very expensive fur coat that would allow a bracelet or necklace to be held aloft and then let fall so that it went inside the lining. Another move would seal the velcro and then the coat would be taken off and draped over a chair until it was time to pick it up and leave. They always bought something for cash as a further cover and always applied the principal that if accused they should not be found with anything on them and could claim that if anything was found it had obviously been planted by other thieves. Once outside they had a predetermined method and place to quickly deposit the stuff and then only go back for it when sure it was safe to do so or even abandoning the whole job if things got too hot. They mentioned that one method was to place small items in a self-addressed packet and drop it in the nearest post box. At the other extreme, and I never understood why they felt a need to, they would go into large departmental stores, change into pre-stolen 'cleaners overalls,' fill black plastic rubbish bags with anything they fancied, mainly out of the warehouse areas, and then taking them out, through back entrances, deposit them in the rubbish bins. Later they would bring up a car, always hired locally and for the purpose, and calmly fill the boot and it was while doing this that she had got caught, that one time, while he managed to witness it from a distance before legging it. I don't know how much was true and how they actually worked everything but they always had plenty of money and constantly had very expensive items for sale at well below their true value.
15. A far cry from our other well known Shoplifter and petty thief, who never, throughout all the years we were in the pub, ever got caught. His speciality and boast was to spend all day wandering round the local shops and stores and taking anything that would fit comfortably into the palm of his hand. He would come in with cheap jewellery, perfume, cosmetics and miniature bottles of spirits. His main claim to fame being that he had stolen a daily newspaper, from the same shop, every day of the week, for years and years, and on the run up to Christmas would make up a list of toiletries, scents, makeup and perfumes that he would then go out and steal to order. His other boast was that he knew a guy, who got caught in the middle of the night, while pushing a fishing rod through the letterbox opening in a shop door and using it, snared and drew out expensive items of clothing that fell within reach. Our man always claimed that the only reason this other person failed and got caught was that he did not have a look out and someone to 'leg it' with each individual item as they were pulled out, or when he heard the police approaching he failed to push the rod completely into the shop and then make out he was sleeping rough in the doorway. I suppose it might have worked had the police been daft enough to believe it.
16. The guy, stopped by the Police at four o'clock in the morning and who was amazed that they would not accept his explanation that the very large television set, in his arms, was his and was being taken, at that time, for repair. A story he told us on his release from jail.
17. Every town has its colourful characters and naturally most of them find their way into the pubs. The wrong ones who are not so wrong, the baddy who is not totally bad, the rogues who are still rogues but who are loveable rogues. Those who spend as much time in jail as out, yet never for more than twenty-eight days at a time, with the odd six months thrown in when the local magistrates get fed up.
18. The door would open and in he would stagger, all out of breath, and flop down on the nearest seat. Puffing and blowing while he complained that he had walked all the way from the Railway Station, as he had spent all his allowance, following his discharge from prison, on food; jail food not being good and so he could not afford the taxi fare home. But could I do him a great personal favour, 'as you know me and I always pay you back,' and he did, and let him have a half-pint of beer until he got some money. My usual answer would be to remind him that he had told me exactly the same story, when he had come in, the day before and that he still owed me for that one. He would laugh and say he had forgotten all about coming in the day before and claim he thought he was in somewhere else; pay me for that drink and for the one he wanted at that moment. He would often ask for credit, which was against the law and he knew it, but if I slipped him the odd half he always came back and paid for it, making a big issue out of the fact that he never ripped off his friends and would I like to buy a jar of Coffee, only recently on a shelf in the local supermarket, as he was a bit short of working cash and if I wanted more, or take a chance on what he could get, he would just nip out for a few minutes and be back. He was a colourful character and no matter what he brought in he would always try to make out that his dear old mother had bought it by mistake, and that was the same story he often told the Police, but for their benefit, he would always add that he was on his way to take it back.
19. Of all the Coach Trips that came into town, we got in many who would be stopping off for their last drink and having bought one, to use our loo before boarding their coaches and heading home. Around that time in would come our 'character' and having bought his half-pint, would get in among the trippers and establish that they were leaving very shortly and that they all lived some distance away. As they began to get organised to leave, he would suggest that to go with all the 'rock' and souvenirs, they bought some fresh fish and as they would soon be home, it would keep without any problems. It was always top quality, locally caught, very cheap and his son, who was (not, as he didn't have one) a fish merchant, gave him it to raise beer money, which didn't come easy to an old retired deep-sea fisherman, (another lie). From his pocket he would then produce a newspaper wrapped parcel that would be opened out, on the table, to reveal a large fillet of fresh Cod. 'Caught today and only a quid.' One pound, which was very cheap, in those days, for that size of fillet, naturally attracted a lot of attention and in the last minute rush, out would come the pound coins and out of his coat pockets would come the newspaper parcels with instructions that if left wrapped and then popped straight into the fridge, on arrival home, would be in prime condition and perfect for the 'old mans' dinner the following day. As soon as they left, he would drink off his beer, lay the open parcel on the bar, with the instructions to give it to his 'favourite' Landlady, and then he would scoot off before anyone happened to open their parcel and find Cod Heads and other waste taken out of the skips and washed under a tap, at the back of the fish filleting sheds, down on the harbour. He also did it with 'fresh crabs, caught and boiled today' which might have been true except that the crabmeat and anything else of value, would be missing.
20. An unrecognised and unknown to us, 'hard man' came in, one day, looking for him, as he had heard that he used our pub. Now pub diplomacy being what it is, you know absolutely nothing, or if you do, you deny that it happened recently. But this bloke would not be deterred and turned to other customers to help, as he claimed that it was essential that he found him, as he had plans to buy him as much drink as he could handle and then more and that they had recently met and struck up a deal while both 'resting' in Armley Jail. Our local dick heads, being street wise, were not taken in by any of this and knew nothing. Then in he walked and everyone expected trouble. But no such thing: an open display of camaraderie instead, with profuse apologies from the one and a load of laughing and joking from the other. After drinks had been set up the guy from Leeds proceeded to explain, for the benefit of everyone in the bar, that he considered himself to be one of the slickest conmen in the business and who never got caught out himself, and that while in prison, a few months before, had met our man who had agreed to supply him with a dozen or more, pairs of high quality 'Trainer' foot-ware, new and all boxed up ready for resale. The goods had been collected and cash paid up front and everyone was happy until someone, down the line, discovered that the source of supply had been straight from the racks, that display the goods outside the shoe shops, and every single trainer, though neatly boxed and presented, was left footed. Apparently it had not presented too big a problem as the goods had eventually been offloaded in some Leeds pub or other, and all the man wanted was to have a drink and a laugh with a man who had managed to con him.
21. Often a woman, a stranger, would come in dragging a distressed youngster and enquire if they could use the loo. Now loos, in terms of water charges alone, and then the damage and the pilfering from them, made it necessary for all the pubs to display signs that stated that their toilets were for the use of customers only, but then who can refuse a distressed youngster? You can't and they knew that and so once you had said yes, they would stick their heads out of the door and declare that here was one that would let them in, and within seconds you had a queue, across the bar and down the passage, for the ladies loo, while the whole coach party, encouraging those in front of them to hurry, would relieve themselves. The local authority always claimed that the facilities in the coach park were adequate but not when a dozen or more coaches arrived at the same time. On one occasion, one young woman tried to argue with me that because we were a Public House, the full and correct title for a pub, then our toilets were also public toilets and therefore I couldn't stop her using them. She got a shock, the result of her aggressive attitude, when one of my staff informed her that if that was so, then we had the right to charge, the same as some public toilets do, and that our charge was five pounds, per minute, payable in advance. She stormed out threatening to report us to the 'free wee-wee' brigade or something or other.
22. It was nothing and very common for the younger end to 'Flash' or 'Moon' and we got used to bare bums and willies. But I think we all got rather a shock when one young woman, dressed in a Mini-skirt and bending over the Pool Table, to play her shots, got fed up of the ribald remarks and catcalls from the obviously excited onlookers, so having been to the toilet she returned to play the next shot minus knickers. I called across and said enough was enough, to which she called me a miserable old sod and something else about not turning it down, given the chance, before tossing the cue on the table and walking out with her mates. For weeks, those in at the time asked if she had been back.
23. One young fellow, a quiet lad really, would come in and order a drink and take the money, to pay for it, from a, then unopened, wage packet and ask for his change to be all in one pound coins, for the machines. He would then move from machine to machine, changing more notes as he went along and all the time he would be quietly cursing the machines for not paying out. Then he would play a couple of solo games of pool, cursing the balls for not going down the pockets, before going back to the machines. His last act would be to check and make sure he had enough change left for the cigarette machine and then having got a pack, would leave his unfinished and original drink, on the bar, before saying goodnight and leaving.
24. 'I have a message from so and so and he says he will be in later and will square it off with you if you will give me a tenner for now,' and we were supposed to fall for that.
25. Imagine, now I am sure you can, a large, well built man, dressed in what was an expensive, but now a very tatty, black, cromby overcoat, morning trousers and a shirt so dirty that it was hard to tell its original colour. His tie and front splattered with slopped food and drink.
'Good morning my man! I am Lord Barrington of ....?'
An eccentric, you might think and you could be right, but a nutter would be a more apt description. Yet still a man on a mission and with a purpose, as you will see, or something to that effect. He, first of all, wanted to know if I could recommend him to someone who might take him in, on credit; perhaps I would, as he was a bit short of readies, following problems with his wife and her lawyers, and he was tired of sleeping rough to keep out of their way, although the views from the top of the cliff tops, along the coast, could not be matched by anything on his estates. But if that were not possible, then could I do him the honour of cashing a post dated cheque, to which he would add a very generous amount for myself. I bet he would. A tattered old cheque book was then produced with instructions to fill it in for myself as he had misplaced his antique silver pen, handed down to him through the family, and was damned if he knew what had happened to his gold glasses. Please note, my good man, if you will, the cheque stubs and in particular this one here which shows fifty thousand pounds, for poll tax, paid out on behalf of tenants on the family estate and this one here for one hundred pounds, paid to a good landlord, like yourself, who, only the other day, as you can see by the date, had advanced him only fifty pounds in cash. Now surely that illustrated, beyond all reasonable doubt, that he was genuine and sincere. It certainly did and really impressed one or two gathered in the bar and so much so that one of them, on a promise of being well rewarded, bought him a pint and hesitated for only a few seconds when asked to add a double whisky to it. Thereafter his attention moved away from me as he began to establish his credibility with the less suspicious and to make arrangements to share some accommodation, on the promise of paying the next six months rent, in advance, as soon as he had sorted out his finances and solved his current cash flow problems, unless of course a post dated cheque, made out there and then, would suffice, although he appreciated that cash would perhaps be better a bit later. We should all understand that he was still having problems with his late fathers estates and just as soon as the legal people had sorted out the death duties and came up with some final balances and he got, what was rightfully his, and what was owing to him from the sale of several farms, then paying for drink would be a thing of the past for all of them. But, in the meantime, if someone could just see their way to obtaining another large whisky, to drive out the cold, you understand, the small ones being only for those who can't really afford to drink, he would continue to explain the situation regarding his present plight and how they would all eventually benefit from it. Then there was the search for his wife, who, although she wasn't aware of it, was now Lady.........and might like to use the title. Whereas he would not be using his new title, as it seemed to embarrass those with whom he wished and preferred to mix. His wife however would have no such problems being the daughter of a multi-national Potato Crisp Manufacturer, who's products were undoubtedly at the back of the bar at that very moment, and they, her family that is, despite his background and education, Oxford, Eton and the Guards, had never approved of him, so that when she decided to take off with one of the estate managers, they had not only approved, but had done everything to thwart him in his efforts to find out where she might have gone. But he had his suspicions and that was why he was currently in the area. But now, following his father's death and his inheritance, as soon as he found her then things would be different and his search would continue relentlessly until that day and the present company was making it that little bit easier and less painful. During these detailed descriptions and explanations, Passports and crumpled cheque-books would frequently fall onto the floor at the same time as tatty and dog eared newspaper cuttings were produced. So badly worn were these that most were falling apart or were for the most part, illegible yet there was enough to make out some vague references to the demise of a Lord Barrington or someone of somewhere, with mention of family and the splitting of estates and death duty, but nothing, that I could make out, to connect the current handler with the persons referred to. But that didn't matter as the frequent flashing of the cheque-book stubs and the amounts involved, along with additional, dog-eared photographs was supposed to make up for all that and kept the large whiskies flowing and everyone's undivided attention. He was undeterred when his final attempt to get me to cash a cheque for him was refused, said he was sorry at my lack of understanding as to how he felt about being unable to buy a round for his present company, but fully understood the law regarding credit, having several pubs on the estates, and then actually agreed with me when I explained that banks do not sell beer and I would be annoyed if they did, so I didn't think it right that I should do their job and cash cheques and there were, after all, several banks just around the corner. I failed to get a clear explanation, as did everyone else, as to why his wife might have left a large estate, somewhere down south, to come north to Scarborough. He was around for quite some considerable time after that, working his way round the pubs, but then like them all he melted away and became just another to talk about and to compare with all the rest and to reminisce over how much he got away with and how, out of them all, he was one of the best.
26. I wonder what my mother would have made out of that brush with the aristocracy. She would have probably fallen hook line and sinker for it all and chosen not to believe everyone who might have suggested he was not genuine. He would have, at least, been credited with being very charming and speaking beautifully, both giveaway traits and sure signs of the aristocracy and she would certainly have felt sorry for him and especially for his wife, who was now a Lady and didn't know it. Feelings my mother had about herself.
27. Then there were all to other characters that passed our way over the years. Big Daft A***** who solved all his problems, real or imagined, with his fists and could entertain us on Friday nights, as we counted how many Policemen he downed before they eventually got him into their van, and him not having been a moments trouble, to us, beforehand and while in the pub and it all starting with him shouting and swearing and kicking out at cars when he got outside in the fresh air.
28. German G*****, who looked nothing like Hitler, with the exception of the small black moustache that he had cultivated, yet believed he did and would give the nazi salute all the time and loved it when everyone called him, 'mien fuehrer'.
George Mc*****, who had he cut out all the swear words from his vocabulary would, instead of talking incessantly, have said very little before he fell over sideways and had to be carried out by his mates. Then S****** who nipped the bums of the young girls and then would plead that he could not help it, and that he was really all right, as he was still taking his pills. He got many a slap across the face and the frequent punch from the boy friend but he remained undeterred, perhaps the results of the pills.
29. Jack, who is sadly no longer with us, and a wonderful guy who claimed to have worked the Street Markets, all his life, around the Leicester area. He would arrive in town by train, laden with fresh fruit that he would distribute to his favourite Landladies. Then he would purchase a pint, declaring it to be the first since he got off the train, and five small cigars, take out a newspaper and sit and pick out that weekends 'winners.' Satisfied he would go out and along to the nearest 'bookies' and place his bets. On his return he would sit in the bar, in front of the television, and the results of the days racing would determine if he went home that evening, on the train, or if he stayed until his winnings ran out. He had a favourite Hotel were he could book in at a moments notice, but only ate there on occasions and used it to get washed and changed. He never slept there as he said that the sun rises, in Scarborough, were so spectacular that he preferred to sleep in one of the shelters, in the public gardens, overlooking the sea. They found him dead in there one morning. He once told us of how he went over to Holland every year to put flowers on the grave of a girl he had married at the end of the 1939-45 war and who had been killed only weeks later. We didn't think he had any other family and all these years on we still remember and talk about him.
30. S**** with his talking parrot, that sat on his shoulder and ate salted peanuts, continuously fed to it and all to the amusement of the punters. Not the parrot, or the talking or the peanuts or the squawks that he claimed was talking, but the fact that it continuously messed and it ran down his back in long white streams.
31. Cough and Spit, a nickname given to a couple by the staff. She had no teeth and when he bought her a salad sandwich, as a treat, which he did every time they came in, she would suck it to death. One night, and I still find this hard to believe, there was much giggling among the staff as she sat, sideways on a tall bar stool, sucking her sandwich, while he stood very close, facing her and while holding open the sides of her tatty fur coat had his bum going, rhythmically, back and forth. Everyone else, close enough to see them, was watching in amazement and my wife, in a very casual manner, leaned over and enquired if anyone could have 'a bit of that' only to be quietly and calmly told, 'if she waited until he had finished there.'
32. Then there were those who toured around the pubs making out that the Landlady in one pub had been saying 'so and so' about the Landlady in another and there were always those who would take it up and we, and no doubt many others, would get some very abusive phone calls and threats of legal action and goodness knows what else from these other silly and often drunk women.
33. At one time we had a nude pin-up, of a very attractive young lady, hidden discreetly round a corner and where it could only be seen from the telephone and we always claimed it belonged to a certain punter, a nice old guy. One day in walked his wife, who we rarely saw, and having walked straight up to the phone, came back, slapped his face and walked out. We never saw him again after that and often wondered what he had been saying or what it had all been about.
34. Now for our expert: a little guy, who went from pub to pub and had a whisky in each and told some of the tallest stories imaginable. His wife had a second hand, junk shop. No sorry, according to him it was a high-class antique dealership, although how you could tell from just looking at it was beyond me. Anyhow he would come in with a very obvious cheap and unimpressive piece, something like a common cup or saucer and claim he had bought it up the road, which he had, for a few pence and that the guy who had sold him it didn't know it was worth a fortune. This would happen nearly every week, and it would be winging its way to Christies Auction Rooms, in London or New York, once suitably crated and insured, and then taken, by hand, the next time he went to value a master piece or verify for them the fact that the latest Rubens, to be discovered, was genuine. You see he was world renowned, according to him, for his knowledge and expertise on forgeries and his ability to accurately value any antique, to within acceptable limits, you understand, of its true value, and the number of times he had been called upon and then he and Christies and other leading auction rooms had made an absolute fortune out of unsuspecting buyers and sellers. We could never work out when he went to these places as he was in the pub, at least, every other day. The reason he collected shopping trolleys, in a local supermarket, was due to the fact that it allowed him to study shopping habits and submit his reports directly to the Managing Director, who without hesitation would act on his recommendations and thus maintain their very high profits and be the most successful supermarket chain in the country. A strange way to study anything, out in a car park pushing lines of trolleys in all weathers, but perhaps in that there laid his secret. The local police had, again according to him and unknown to anyone else, only to give him the sketchiest of outlines and minimal evidence and he, with his natural ability, solved all crimes and was fed up of them ringing him, from all over the country, during the night for an instant solution, although it was his own fault, as he insisted that his success was due to the fact that he had to be told immediately, as any delay made it that bit harder for him and it took that much longer to solve the crime. It was staggering what he had solved once it had been publicised and after the event and it was nobodies business what he knew about crimes that he could not divulge and of those unsolved because he had not been consulted. The sad part about it was the fact that he believed it all and was never deterred when challenged, as he often was, and would argue black was white and lie through his teeth and then go on to tell you that he had just landed another contract, retaining him as an expert and adviser, to some large industry or government department. If ever asked if he could give expert advice on any subject he would, without hesitation, say yes. Then if a debate followed and people expressed dissatisfaction or dared to challenge him over anything he would say that the result was because they had not followed his advice to the letter and if they had, then the outcome would have been different. No one ever won against him but gosh they had a laugh after he left and moved on to the next pub to offer his expertise. Poor sad little man!
35. 'D*****'s the name.' 'Detective the game.' 'The shop is my cover.' Or that's what it said on his Trade Cards that were left lying about everywhere. We knew all about the junk shop but could never understand why there was never a phone, water, gas or electricity connected to it or why no one ever seemed to go in.
36. Throughout the whole time we were in the pub we had a constant stream of Postal and Telephone enquiries regarding an infinite variety of things, but not all were concerning the running of the pub. They would be about us, or our address, being given and used as guarantors or credit references or that the address had been given as an accommodation address and the daft thing about it was the enquirers would rarely tell us who it was, that was using us, or why. We would also get mail, addressed to punters we knew, but who had used our address for goodness knows what or why and the number who tried to claim Rent Allowance saying they were living with us and we were charging X amount of rent, was incredible and led to all sorts of investigations as to whether we were or not.
